Thu, Jan 1, 09 – Mystery Science Theatre 3000, Planet Of The Apes, If Tomorrow Comes

02.00 Mystery Science Theatre 3000
07.00 Planet Of The Apes
11.30 If Tomorrow Comes

Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Season 7, Episode 6. “The Creeping Terror” A spaceship crashes and from it emerges an alien creature who proceeds to – slowly – move around the countryside attacking and eating people. People who are too dumb to run away, that is.

Surely one of the most entertaining ‘bad movies’ every made, the creature of the piece appears to be three men under a carpet. As person after person screams, and then climbs inside the mouth of the attacker, the MST3K gang have a field day.

It’s a curious movie. For some reason, we never hear the actors say their dialogue. Instead a narrator tells us – scene by scene – what is happening and what is being said. Curious.

The funniest bit of all occurs about a half-hour into the movie when the hero of the story – a newly married cop – asks a buddy of his around for a couple of beers. As the three characters sit and talk, the narrator goes into great detail on the friendship of the two men, the strains that marriage will put on this friendship and how this happens to men all across a country.

Huh?

Quite what this has to do with the story is beyond me, but it allows the MST3K gang to start a wonderful riff about a “rogue narrator” who “doesn’t play by the rules” and “gets results”.

Hilarious.

Planet Of The Apes. Movie 1. “Planet Of The Apes” Very enjoyable, and clever, masterpiece that launched a successful franchise.

The first quarter shows us what happens when three astronauts – who expect to be returning to Earth after several hundred years in space – find themselves far off course and crashed on a desert alien landscape. Lots of nifty camera work, plus awesome location filming, make for a great start to the movie. The three guys adapt to their new environment and have some heated debates about what landed them in this situation.

The second quarter isolates Team Leader George Taylor and shows us his life as a prisoner of the ape-controlled society that rules the planet. Injured during his capture, Taylor can’t speak and so he struggles to communicate with the intelligent primates around him and befriend a female scientist who has taken an interest in him.

The third quarter adds a lot of depth and substance to the story. When Taylor regains the power of speech it sends ripples through Ape Society, as he is the only human on this world capable of speech. Now more than an adventure story, the tale takes on a political edge as we watch those in power try to conceal this shocking development to protect their society status quo.

By the final quarter of the movie, it has returned to it’s action-adventure roots. Taylor is on the run, with a band of supporters, and trying to prove that the Ape Society is built on lies.

Charlton Heston gives a terrific performance as Taylor. He makes a great hero in the middle of a great story, with a superb supporting cast. The characters are well fleshed out. The bad guys are easy to understand, and – though we root for Taylor – we can sympathise with the reasons for what they are trying to do.

If Tomorrow Comes. Episode 2. With her origin/backstory out of the way, and revenge got on the bad guys, Tracy is a free agent and the second part of ITC is a very different beast to the first part. The story is not quite as strong, but the pace is faster and there is more fun to be had. Tracy becomes an international cat-burglar/con-woman, travelling the world at dizzying pace and stealing from the rich and corrupt every chance she gets. Madolyn Smith Osborne is an absolute delight as Tracy dons a series of disguises and fakes accents with aplomb. It reminds of Alias.

The highpoint of the series comes in the latter hour of the movie, as Tracy meets Jeff (again) and they join forces to pull off fake chess games and walk away with 300,000 dollars in winnings. The series has a fantastic score and it comes into play in all of the action sequences, but it is never more enjoyable than during the chess games as Tracy (with Jeff in tow) runs around the cruise ship from game to game.

Highlight? Planet Of The Apes (downbeat and profound)
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Wed, Dec 31, 08 – That ’70s Show, Six Million Dollar Man, Bionic Woman, If Tomorrow Comes

11.00 That ’70s Show
07.00 The Six Million Dollar Man And The Bionic Woman
09.00 If Tomorrow Comes

That ’70s Show. Season 6, Episode 8. “I’m A Boy” Yet again it’s a story where Eric messes up and Donna is mad. But he learns his lesson, apologises and all is well by the very end. It shouldn’t work. But it does. Partly because it’s very funny, and partly because Topher Grace and Laura Prepon sell the relationship.

The Six Million Dollar Man And The Bionic Woman. “Bionic Showdown” Better than the first reunion, but still of a much lower quality than the television series from the 1970s.

This time we get more of a story, better new characters and better acting. The story, however, is pretty bland and predictable, the new characters are often likable but take screen time away from Steve and Jaime (who are the ones we want to see), and the acting (while good) tends to be a bit over the top in places.

Steve is in charge of security for the World Unity Games, but an attack from a mysterious bionic person means that all bionic people are under suspicion. Oscar fights his superiors on this (and other stuff) and ends up resigning. Pretty soon he’s been contacted by the bad guys. Gosh, I wonder is Oscar going to turn traitor and defect? Hmm….

Meanwhile, the OSI has created a new Bionic Woman and she’s been partnered with Oscar’s nephew.

During the story many things that happen that don’t make a lot of sense. For example Steve is detained and questioned, even though he was on-hand to fight the mysterious bionic person. What’s that about?

At the end of the story, we learn that a lot of what happened was part of a giant plan put in place by Oscar. However, looking back with that information only adds to the confusion. Now, instead of “what’s that about?” questions, there are lots of “if this was all a fake plan, then why did they do this?” questions. Sigh.

In terms of characters I like the new Bionic Woman a lot. Had she been set up in a series of her own, I would have liked it. Kate is a nice person and she’s delighted with her new bionics. There’s none of that annoying angst we’ve seen in the past. It’s fine at first, but by the time we got to whiny Michael Austin it had grown tiresome. Here, at last, is a well-adjusted person who instantly thinks that being bionic is fun and opens up a new world to her. Unlike Michael Austin (a character I really hated) she’s not inept and manages – at the very end – to be the one to kill the baddie.

Acting-wise, this movie has a lot of good performances, something that instantly lifts it about the dreadful first movie. Sandra Bullock is wonderful in scene after scene. She completely sells everything that is asked of her and I loved all her scenes. Her chemistry with everyone is wonderful. Particularly Martin E. Brooks and Jeff Yagher. I think you could put Bullock in a scene with a telephone book and she would have chemistry with it!

But hers is not the only great performance. Richard Anderson gives another one of those great turns he occasionally did on the original shows. Sadly, in hindsight, a lot of what he says and does fails to make much sense (like the bar scene, for example, where he gets drunk and tells everyone in the place about bionics) but it’s still riveting to watch. Robert Lansing (always one of my favourite performers) has many great scenes and genre-regular Geraint Wyn Davies does lots of good work as the baddie of the piece. Geraint Wyn Davies has an impressive resumé: he’s been a vampire cop, a bionic bad guy and he’s flown Airwolf! He’s also been in a gun battle alongside Jack Bauer. All told, he may be the coolest person on planet earth.

That’s just a joke.

Lee Majors is the coolest person on planet earth and he’s pretty great in this movie. Without all the awful scenes with his dopey son, Steve is acting more like himself but he tends to get sidelined a little bit, with most of the action going to Oscar and Kate.

It’s got flaws/problems but – unlike movie #1 – this wasn’t a complete torture to watch.

If Tomorrow Comes. Episode 1. A solid story, great characters/casting and a fast pace make this one of the best ever mini-series from the 1980s.

The narrative is devoted to two characters: Tracy and Jeff. Tracey’s story drives the tale. She starts off sweet and innocent, about to marry into a rich family (who don’t like her) and pregnant with her fiance’s child. Things rapidly go wrong for Tracy. Swindled out of the family business, her mother commits suicide and leaves her daughter with nothing. Tracy confronts the one responsible but a scuffle ensues and she’s finds herself framed for attempted murder and theft. Her lawyer misleads her (he’s part of the frame) and she finds herself in prison and disowned by her fiance. Pretty soon she’s lost the baby and her life is in considerable danger. So Tracy starts to fight back: she sets about breaking out, and setting up a plan to get revenge on all those that set her up…

While all of this is happening, we occasionally visit with a guy called Jeff that Tracy met briefly. Jeff’s a con-man who finds love with a wealthy woman and gives up his life of crime, but all is not what it seems. Soon, his heart is broken and he uses his skills to get revenge on the rich set who have never accepted him.

Madolyn Smith is a fantastic lead. She’s brings strength and vulnerability to the role of Tracy. When Tracy is battered down by all those around her you feel like throwing your arms around her to protect her, because it seems as if she’ll never be able to survive. But as soon as she starts fighting back, there is no problem accepting it and cheering for her.

Smith is not the only example of great casting. Tom Berenger manages the same double act of strength and vulnerability. He starts off as a tough guy, running cons and very much in charge of his world. Yet, cupid’s arrow changes him and Berenger sells the new Jeff with conviction. This Jeff is an honest man. Very much in love with his lovely wife, and without any interest in breaking the law. Susan Hess is perfectly cast has his lover/wife. Their chemistry lights up the screen.

It’s a simplistic story, with huge leaps in logic, but it moves very fast and it’s an example of perfect escapist entertainment. If you are stopping to wonder too much about the logistics of Tracy’s escape plan or the ease with which he cons the evil-doers at the very end then you have missing the point of what this is all about. A fast pace and flawless casting tell you what this is about: a fairy tale of revenge being sweet, an underdog finding the strength within herself to rise up and overcome the evil people who have ruined her life. The point is to care about her, worry about her, cheer her on and celebrate when she wins.

By the end of this three-hour opener, she has done just that and launched herself into a life of crime as cat burglar. Part One ends on a quick cliff-hanger…

Can’t wait for Part Two…

Highlight? If Tomorrow Comes (Madolyn Smith)
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